Sure, sex is great! But are you really going to look me in the eye and say that it’s been amazing at all times? Each time? Each and every single time that you had sex with someone, it blew your mind? You want me to believe that you’ve never looked at the clock during, just wondering when he’ll be done? You want me to believe that while she’s lying flat on her back, your mind doesn’t question why the onus of the act is on you?
After you’ve come to terms with the fact that sex just may be slightly overrated, come back to read. Well, as you know, the holiday season is upon us and ’tis the season to be horny fralalala… la… lalala. However, for those of you (us) who are not having sex currently, fear not! I have a list of things, in no particular order, that are actually better than sex.
This has very little to do with the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in a while but is just proof that my full life isn’t guided by mere animal instincts.
1. Everything But…
What I really want to say is oral sex. I don’t think enough articles have been written about how great oral sex can be for everyone involved, when done right.
2. Cheese, Please?
It’s no secret that cheese is the glue that’s holding most of our lives together. The fact that Dominos’ Cheese Burst pizza now comes in regular size (instead of only a medium one) has added more meaning in my life because it really is a metaphor for ‘riding solo’. You don’t need anyone to share your pizza with. It’s all yours! And sometimes, it actually lasts longer than he does.
3. Chocolate
I know one too many people who are in a life long committed relationship with chocolate. Just saying.
4. Tweet A Tweet
Imagine your favourite celebrity in the whole wide world retweets a tweet from your profile that your brain composed! Better still? Imagine your favourite celebrity in the whole wide world replies to one of your tweets! BETTER STILL? Imagine your favourite celebrity in the whole wide world actually tweets to you telling you how great you are!
It’s okay. I’m slightly turned on right now too.
3. Haang-oh-verr (Teri Yaadon Ka)
How many times have we gotten up after a night of reckless drinking, crawled to our kitchen, drank water, sworn we’ll never drink again and then kicked ourselves for not having any hangover-friendly food in the house? Now picture the same morning, except, when you get up, there’s a glass of chilled orange juice with toasted, buttered bread that came on the side of super cheesy eggs and a portion of salamis.
4. The First Episode Of Game Of Thrones Upcoming Season
Game Of Thrones or any other show of your choice that you’ve been hooked on to for dear life! You know the same show’s premiere your life is planned around? The first episode of its upcoming season. That.
5. Saliva Swap
I really think Emraan Hashmi had the best job when he started out in the industry. Get up in the morning, get dressed, come to work and make out, man! This is what dream jobs are made of.
6. Cuddling
Just lying in bed with someone spooning and having a conversation about life as you guys know it can actually be more gratifying than sex. Nothing is sexier than a good conversation.
7. The First Sip
When you come back home after the worst day and you pour yourself a drink in your favourite glass and you take your first sip from your truly well deserved drink; Alcohol 1, Sex 0.
8. SATC Marathon
Trust Sex And The City to always give you what you need – comfort. An entire day in bed wearing boxers and watching a SATC marathon over sex that won’t last over a few minutes, any given day. #SorryNotSorry
9. Being Gorgeous & Famous & Fabulous
You think Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie or Jay Z-Beyonce care about sex? No! They’re too f***ing fabulous to!
10. A Massage
Your favourite kind of massage on the favourite part of your body! OH YEAH!
11. A Really Good Bowel Movement
You know exactly what I am talking about.
12. Peeing On A Full Bladder
And I mean full bladder. So full that you throw your head backwards and your eyes roll back into your head? You’d think it’s an orgasm but it is just so, so much better. It’s you finally being able to relieve your bladder.
13. Self Pleasure
And I don’t mean just in the most obvious way. Draw yourself a nice warm bath, treat yourself to a glass of some expensive wine, immerse yourself in a great book, really enjoy your jam to the extent that it gives you goosebumps. So much better than having to shave for the night that’s probably going to leave you high and dry.
14. Running Into Your Ex While Looking Your Best
That feeling is better than all the sex you had with said ex. Probably better than all the sex you’re going to have henceforth.
15. Love
I’m obviously kidding about this one. Go back to oral sex!