Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.
While the rest of the housemates wake up dancing to Phir bhi dil hai Hindustani, Gaurav uses it as his meditation music. Even I love SRK’s Kuch Kuch Hota Hai when I have to hold the downward dog pose for too long. At the end of the song, Swami ji exclaims, “Itne dino mein aaj anand aaya mujhe” and we wonder what he did with his Oorja the night before.
Being the spiritual ascetic that he is, he asks Bigg Boss for the necessities of a common man, i.e. air conditioning. At this point, I am expecting him to use his tantra powers and cause Global Cooling because Global Warming is becoming too mainstream. Oooh, there’s also a biopic being released on him called “Om ji” (a very creative title), which I am sure will be a blockbuster, by which I mean that I hope it busts his block. Although I would be queuing up to buy the tickets if it gets renamed to “Om ji aur unki Oorja ka patan”.
When tomatoes run out in the Bigg Boss house, everyone thinks of that one scene in Zindagi Na MIlegi Dobara where we saw them being crused on screen and sigh loudly. Thanks Zoya! That’s what they did. A**hole Manu then devises an ingenious plan, the division of tomatoes between the two groups with next week’s rationing.
Problem: We have 20 tomatoes in the house and we give 10 to the celebrities. What do we have left?
Solution: Mango tomatoes.
#GotIt?
At this point, I notice the large flower on Lopa‘s head which looks worse than my stupid head scarves during the show. #NeverForget
It is clear that the makers are desperately trying to make the celebrities the Maaliks too, just so we can see how they deal with their newly found power, hence, they’re given yet another chance. The Rocking Horse task is clearly designed to test their bladders and their determination to win. How in the world did Appy Fizz not sponsor this task? This is clearly their task because we anticipate that somone wil feel the fizz….Talking about bladders, I am bladder famous (in British accent that will be read as “bloody” famous).
For those of you who don’t know, not one, but five of us had peed on the show in our season, me (which was OMG, so hyped, how could she, oooh), Kishwer, Rochelle and Prince (in the car task) and Rishabh, in the rope task, because his oorja was being a little devil.
The groups convene over the selection of two candidates who will sit on a rocking horse and have a glass of water every time a buzzer goes off. The team with the last person standing (or in this case, sitting, rocking and peeing) wins the task. Princess Priyanka says something really disconcerting at this point in time. She makes rocking gestures and says, “Main poori raat aise aise kar sakti hoon. Poori raat”. Ok. Thanks for the visuals, not. Whilst the groups decide on who will compete, Swami ji throws in his two cents of sexism- “Ladkiyon ke bas ka task nahi hai yeh”, which once again remains unquestioned in the house. Because, oh so holy!
The celebrities group is represented by Bani and Gaurav and the commoners are represented by Priyanka and Naveen. Commoners get full marks on obnoxiousness and creativity because as soon as Gaurav and Bani mount the horses, Akanksha brings in her shoes to make them smell it. Most endurance tasks are ruined (or made interesting to watch, given our reality TV voyeurism) in such ways as we begin to not test people’s resistance to the task but their resistance to bullshit.
Some strange fight about headgears takes place between Manoj and Lopa which takes me back to my high school days, primary school days, actually, no, wait kindergarten days. Yes. That’s more like it. During the task we see Gaurav and Bani spilling the water out of their mouths so as to avoid full bladders (smart). We also see Princess Priyanka using her my-mom-is-lawyer-lingo and using phrases such as “Phaad doongi tanne” to Rohan.
Remember that flirtatious exchange between Lopa and Naveen in the second episode? That ensues yet again and it is uncomfortable to watch. It is like watching Trump sniffing like there is no tomorrow during a presidential debate with Hillary. #NastyMan
Gaurav and Bani have a conversation about protecting their celebrity image and hence not peeing in the endurance task. This is also an indication about them not being their real selves on the show. Which image would you rather have? Here’s my awesome life on instagram which is full of yoga mats and oceans and coconut avocado smoothies while I travel in a business class flights and there’s nothing more to me than this superficiality or here’s all of that and here’s my winning spirit too, take that.
Bani quits the task. This makes me wonder why is there such a big hullabaloo about women peeing in their pants (or without exposing their private parts) when men , all over India, stick their penises out at every roadside and shake what their mumma gave them and no one bats an eyelid?
PS: They don’t even do it because of their determination to win but because of their lack of patience/self control and we normalise it.
Bani further solidifies this sexism by saying, “Main ladki hoon isliye nahi karna chahti”, which means she would have done it if it wasn’t for her gender. So much (non)sense.
Gaurav quits the task by asking others to take a call on his decision. It’s like asking your parents to find you a life partner so that in case the marriage fails, you have got someone else to blame for it. He also walks straight into the toilets saying, “I hate losing. I hate losing”. Awww, I am sure you wanted to stay but your team took a call na, Gaurav. It’s OK. Awww. #BadActing.
Well done, Priyanka! (Although I am unsure how long she will hold my admiration.)
PS- Celebs: This task lasted only a few hours (4pmish- until it got dark), Kamya Punjabi did a task inside a box for 41 hours in her season and Prince and I stayed in a car for 44 hours #Just Saying
After winning the task, Priyanka goes and holds Swami ji’s feet with such adulation that she should only reserve for her own bladder. He calls her a “saakshaat devi” kyunki, I quote Swami ji again, “ladkiyon ke bas ka task nahi hai yeh”. Priyanka gets a special privilege with which she is able to get Swami ji out of the jail kyunki sirf ladkiyon ke bas ka hee task hai yeh.
I knew that my admiration for Priyanka won’t last too long and it didn’t. There’s a difference between a winning streak and a whining streak. She whines about having to wash her own pee infused clothes and gets Bani to wash it. Right after this Appy Fizz pee task, the luxury budget is introduced and Lokesh echoes the sentiments of every desi household and says, “Chaat masaala uthaaoo kya”? Yass Lokesh, even my blood group is Chat Masaala Positive.
Lokesh gives some gyaan to Swami ji about past Bigg Boss bathroom romances and Manu actually ROFLs. In the last scene, we see Monalisa sitting alone and crying in the jail because the next season of Jhalak Dikhla Ja is more than a year away.
PS: I’ll see you guys next week!
PPS: I am spending the weekend in Kashmir
Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss