Gotta love Ashwin Mushran’s sense of humor (remember he did a fab piece on Salsa some time ago?), which is why I thought he would be the perfect person to come up with a countdown of the year’s best item songs!
Psst! Special treat starring the man himself at the end of this blog, don’t miss it :)
By Ashwin Mushran
It’s been a hard year for the Item Industry. It looked like it was going to be a grim 12 months with nothing drool-worthy coming out of Bollywood. Tongues were dry, hanging out for so long in anticipation of some kind of gyrating manna from the queens themselves. The Indian male was in despair… Then, just as 2010 was coming to a close and with it the decade…..Munni and Sheila blazed in to our lives making sure yet again “All Izz Well”. Let’s have a quick recap of the item winners of the Year with a surprise Bonus item song… But for that, you’ll have to read right till the end. (This is not a top 10 list by the way, It’s a Top 6. There weren’t enough to choose from.)
The second this song starts you’re hooked. Drool quotient is high and this number is pure sex. Brazilian Maria Gomez sensationally sizzles. Her hands running all over her body & bending over languidly as we just lose ourselves, forgetting there’s even a song there. She leaves nothing to the imagination except where she might have got her bikini wax from. She happily rubs herself and anyone else who is in rubbing distance. The customer is truly satisfied. Hot… Hot… Hot!
Ever since the excellent Beedi Jalla Le, Village Item songs have made a soaring return to the Bollywood scene. Lustful, big moustached rural men going wild around a lustful big-bossomed rural wench, you’ve pretty much got a winning formula with this. Sameera Reddy is the sultry village belle in this one. She starts off slow but hits the groove in the rain sequence. As she sways seductively on top of a thatched roof with rain beating on her, all of us want to get back to our country roots. The more she sings “Isak Se” the more it sounds like sex se. A quick romp with her should generate enough power to light up a number of light bulbs in Swades. (If Gene Hackman and Daniel Defoe found a girl like this in Mississippi Burning they would never have left town.)
How can we review the item songs of the year without your obligatory night club number. How do we justify a song in today’s Bollywood Flick? Simple, we put a hot chick in a night club, wearing as little as possible. Jacqueline Fernandez the slinky Sri Lankan does the honours here. The song opens on her glistening lips, mouthing “People on the floor…Come and get some more”. The boys spoil it by singing “Dhanno..Dhanno”. I was almost expecting a horse to come down the stairs. Luckily it was back to the sexy Ms. Fernandez. There’s enough eye candy here to keep everyone happy. The boys have Jaqueline going Coyote Ugly on the bar with appearances by Lara Dutta and Deepika Padukone in tight shimmering dresses to keep the heat on. The girls get Arjun Rampal, Akshay Kumar and Riteish Deshmukh. Thankfully they keep their clothes on. The only worrying moment is when the girls sing “Kategi…Kategi”…… I winced.
We’re going to go a little retro now, model Gauhar Khan pays homage to the old school Cabaret numbers which were so important in moulding a whole generation of Indian men. The Cabaret in Hindi films was our sex education. The girl dancing in the songs (usually Helen) was tantalizingly voluptuous and glimpses of leg through the slit in the dress, was guaranteed to drive Indian men nuts. Parda, and Gauhar Khan do a pretty good job of keeping up with the classic Item songs of yore. All the jhatkas and the shimmies are there. Helen would be proud. Also, having a mix of two, very popular Retro songs (Duniya mein and Monica My Darling) helps the number a great deal. The star of Parda however, is the dude with the huge Afro, Pimp Daddy Moustache and the seventies glares, who starts of the dancing. He’s the man.
No, this is not a song about OZ women dancing around a bush. We are talking about Sheila Ki Jawani. The Hit song from the movie we don’t know is going to be a hit or not because it isn’t released yet (probably will be by the time this will be online). This is the song that six year old girls at weddings around the country are gyrating to, singing “My Name Is Sheila.. Sheila Ki Jawani… I’m too Sexy for you”, with proud adoring Indian parents goading
them on saying “That’s my daughter”. Katrina Kaif storms the screen with this one. It’s a Farah Khan film so we expect nothing less. Hurricane Katrina looks stunning. All the obligatory changes of costumes are there, everything possible to accentuate her curves. It’s a fun song I have to admit. No deep meaningful lyrics….Just fun. The only thing that worries me a little are 80 year old grandmothers looking at me and singing “I Know You Want It But you’re never going to get it” Anyone seen Munni around?
This year’s Item winner is beyond doubt Munni Badnam Hui from Dabangg. Malaika Arora Khan just sweeps everyone away with this one, with all the men Chulbuling themselves to happiness. As she teases Sonu Sood and his cronies leading them in to a mad frenzy, we the viewers can’t but help shaking a thang or two ourselves. This is the song that brought Zhandu Balm back in to our lives. We probably need to apply some after a taste of Munni. Of course in all the excitement, one has to be careful where you are applying Zhandu Balm. If you try to rub some in your nether regions, you’ll have a Zhandu Bomb to deal with. Salman Khan also makes his appearance sending bunches of Indian men in to a frenzy once again. Malaika is the Queen of Item songs and boy is she dirty in this one, thrusting her-self & doing that lip biting thing that any self respecting item girl just has to do. My Bausch & Laumb HD contact lenses fogged up after watching Munni Badnam Hui.
This one is for you ladies. It’s called “We Are The Item Guys” and it only features men… Real Men… The Kind you meet on the street every day. Vir Das, Ashwin Mushran, Kavi Shastri, Tanmay Bhat, Kaizad and Sidd Coutto show of their rippling muscles, fabulous moves and stunning intellect so you girls can savour some of that Item Fever. We haven’t held back. Watch the clip because the Item Guys will be all over Star World on December 31st. We are here to please you ladies. It’s a new decade and a new kind of Item Song. All we ask is you watch us and chant “Baby… Baby… Baby… Oooh!”