Please welcome to the web our very first canine reporter! Columbus Mathews has graciously offered to give us the skinny on his life, his friends and his family. If you have a pet (of the puppy persuasion, or otherwise) feel free to send me their stories on [email protected]. xoxo
*woof woof* people! Hello I am Colombus Mathews, fellow earthling like you all, although not from the same species. I’m from the canine family, and we as a collective are most often referred to as dogs. I’m the second dog other than Marley to have a column, only difference is I am cooler. Why..?? Because I have a blog, no one does paper anymore. Get with the program Marley… yeah in your face.
I am 18 human months old, that’s around 16 dog years. Yup, the hormones have started kicking in, but I’ll get to that in a bit.
So I live with my family in downtown Mumbai, it’s a pretty cool life. I was the first to arrive in the area so I marked my territory and everything – got the garden area of the apartment complex. It’s pretty cool, and works with the ladies – you gotta have a nice pad if you wanna woo them, b*tches be pricey these days. The family is pretty great. I mean, they’re weird in ways but I find that to be true of most humans.
Our home has 5 humans and one canine (that’s me). There’s Grandma… the woman is 85 so tends to repeat the same thing a number of times, although I don’t mind, her favorite line is, “have you fed the dog?” so I’m cool with her. There’s mom, she is the coolest of the lot, I like following her around to the neighbors house, get a ton of free food, and she is primarily the one who feeds me, the others are pretty lazy. So my loyalties are obviously with this one.
Then there’s older sis, who hooked me up with this sweet gig…. props to you sista! She is MIA most of the time, rumor around the house has it that she’s newly in love so I guess she is preoccupied with some lad. I’m starting to believe it’s true because I’ve observed her smiling at her phone like a slightly demented freak from time to time, and I’m told human beings do that. But well, what the heck do I know, our deal is pretty simple you know…we just go up to the b*tches, take a whiff and we get straight to business.
Next is my brother, who recently has been home a lot, rumors about him is that he’s broke and whining about some girl… again. I just don’t get why, it’s so simple with our kind, why doesn’t he just take a cue from me? Wisdom is truly wasted on these fools I say. Our relationship is more like, you hang out in your space and I’ll do the same in mine. I almost hated him when he accused me of being schizophrenic, and some stupid research somewhere stated that my breed tends to have schizo tendencies… Blasphemous …how dare people spread such horrible rumors… but I need to be diplomatic with this one because when the women of the house talk about getting me “fixed,” he’s the only one that stands up for me (and my puppies)! Come on people… have some heart… let us live a little, we need to protect the family jewels, not snip them off! He wouldn’t let such a mean act be committed, which is why I say “bros before hos”.
My favorite has to be my other sister, she is the youngest and pampers me the most. She’s the one who smuggles in the midnight snacks. She’s also the queen of TLC and is ok with PDA, which are all worth a lot of points in my books! However, she is the reason I hate Facebook. There’s even photographic evidence to prove how much I hate it. I do however have a Facebook account, but I just did it for the PR.
OMG the other day I met a vegetarian dog, can you believe it? It’s like watching Michael Jackson trying to be white… just unnatural and wrong! Oh wait he could actually be white… I’m color blind so I can’t tell the difference really.
Yup so that’s me and that’s my family, next time I’ll write about a day in my life – now that I’m famous people really want to know how we celebs live. I want to share the spotlight with two of my bros tough: meet Mr. Pickles, he likes rock music and lives in Bandra. And this is SUMO (all caps required), he’s my rich friend – dude’s got the best food, and his family even has a gourmet chef among them. Yeah, so the man is living the life! He sure enjoys his spa days and going for long drives.
PS. Dear Mathews Family, I just thought I’d give you fair warning, your lives are now an open book, pretty soon I’m sure you’ll be getting texts from your dog :)