Top 3 Bollywood Diwali Releases (That Have Never Happened.)

Erica and Melanie , 13 Nov 2012
Bollywood cake
Bollywood cake

This week, MissMalini recommended we write about what makes a hit Bollywood formula film. With Diwali today (and of course the mega Bollywood blockbuster releases that always accompany Diwali), there could be no better topic! There are already plenty of articles listing you the Top Diwali Releases – so we thought we’d give you our Top 3 List of Diwali Releases – That Have Never Happened… But Should, Because They Would Be Totally Awesome.

Now, we don’t normally give away our film plots, but in the spirit of Diwali, here’s a few scripts-in-progress for you to enjoy:

#3 – Ranbir Kapoor and Imran Khan Co-Star in a Charming Dramatic Comedy
Imran Khan and Ranbir Kapoor
Imran Khan and Ranbir Kapoor

Logline: Two brothers embark on the roadtrip of a lifetime, set to a remixed classic Hindi film soundtrack.

Why it should happen: Ranbir and Imran are the current reigning young stars of Bollywood and it would be any producer’s dream to cast the two together! They’ve shown their likeability together onscreen while hosting the Filmfare awards, and their comedic chemistry was commendable. Box office gold!

Why it will never happen: While these two are the current kings of generation next, they’re still attempting to solidify their spots and hold onto them – they speak highly about each other, but make no mistake – they are competition.

Additional Details: Imagine these two representing the youth of India. Wild parties, clever jokes, and some fast dancing in hot clubs, with hot cars and hot women. Modern re-jigs of classic songs recall Ranbir’s familial legacy and Imran’s famous uncle. Toss in a couple of young heroines and a romantic storyline for each of them, and we have a winner.

#2 The Animal-Sport Genre Film
Akshay Kumar
Akshay Kumar

Logline: A retired coach (Akshay Kumar/Ajay Devgn/Hrithik Roshan/take your pick) must lead a rag-tag team of kids and their talented cricket-playing pooch to victory.

Why It Should Happen: Despite Bollywood’s tendency to “borrow” from Hollywood films, as well to combine multiple unrelated genres into one film, it’s something of a mystery why the animal-sport genre remains untapped in India. Who doesn’t want to see a whale overcome the odds to play golf, or a horse lead his synchronized swimming team to victory?

Why It Will Never Happen: No film hero will want to risk being upstaged by an animal co-star.

Extra Details: Throw in Sonakshi Sinha as the female lead falling for the coach, a big item song set in a village and what can go wrong? Think Chak De India meets Lagaan meets Air Bud. It’s India’s favorite sport! Bonus points for any cricketer cameos in the
film.

#1 The Quad Khan (SRK-Aamir-Salman-Saif)
4 Khans
4 Khans

Logline: ALL FOUR KHANS IN ONE FILM. (Plot? What plot?)

Why It Should Happen: Um, we repeat, all four Khans in one film? Even Om Shanti Om couldn’t manage that one.

Why It Will Never Happen: Like the clashing of head-to-head Diwali releases, the clashing of competing egos would spell disaster.

Extra Details: The plot won’t matter (box office returns are so guaranteed that the Khans could take turns reading us the dictionary and it would still make money) but there are certain things we can be sure of. Each Khan would have their own song and dance number, and there would be at LEAST one mega group song featuring all four. Each Khan would have equal screen time, down to the millisecond, wardrobes stocked with equal numbers of leather jackets and sunglasses, and each Khan would throw an equal number of punches at baddies. Each Khan MUST, at some point (but preferably during a fight sequence) become shirtless and sweaty. Have we mentioned there are FOUR KHANS in this fillum?

(Plus it gives Melanie an excuse to wear her favorite t-shirt.)

Melanie
Melanie

BONUS: Any blockbuster film with a female-driven story.
Heroine
Heroine

Why It Should Happen: Because heroes have been dominating the business for far too long.

Why It Will Never Happen: We believe it WILL! Which is why it didn’t quite make the list – female stars like Vidya Balan and Kareena Kapoor are leading their own films and keeping the box office cash flow going without clinging to the arms of the shirtless hero. Times are changing and we can’t wait to see what these and other ladies in the business do next!

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy Diwali and a prosperous year ahead!

See you next week!

Erica Reddy and Melanie Easton are screenwriters specializing in both commercial and offbeat scripts for Hindi films – you can get in touch with them at [email protected] or follow them on Twitter @ericaandmelanie.

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