As great as sex can be, in all of its glory, it’s no secret that men tend to get carried away with it. No, I’m not being sexist. I’m sure women have lots of strange “sex moves” that are uneasy, hilarious or just plain awkward. But for now, let’s focus on the men. I feel like us women need to collectively protest in order to keep sex great and minimize how often we fake a headache… or an orgasm!
So we asked 10 girls what their significant others are doing wrong in bed, and here’s what they came up with. Boys, I hope you’re reading this LOUD AND CLEAR!
So you start making out, it’s getting exciting, hands are going everywhere, and it’s really starting to heat up. Then, just like that, the teeth come out. Why is he trying to bite my lips off, you wonder? A little bite here, a slight nip there is fine… but guys, is any makeout session worth losing your lips over? I think not.
Speaking of too much teeth, I really want to know who incepted the idea of removing undergarments with teeth? No one has been able to do it, with even a little bit style. NO ONE! Can we all just agree to never do it again? Thank you.
Okay. So this REALLY happened to a friend of mine:
He splashed ice cold water over me – when I said it burns.
I bet even the hottest men seem like the biggest losers when they try to baby talk. And in bed no less! How are we going to sex it up if you make us feel like pedophiles? Babies Should Stay Out Of Sex. Period.
While we’re in the “talk” area, baby talk has an evil twin: Dirty Talk! Sure, it’s always nice to talk while you’re at it and maybe it turns you on and all that, but must we talk dirty when you’re no good at it?
Also, the guys who keep asking if everything they do is “okay?” Moan all you want but the moment you go “is that okay? you like that?” – it’s over. Carnal pleasure, guys… NOT cricket commentary!
Okay. Men, everywhere! Listen up.
If you stop working out and eat lots of fatty foods, you can get boobs of your own. They’re really not that big of a deal!
If women had a Rupee for every time a guy went at our boobs like there’s no tomorrow (and contemplated reading a book till he’s done) we’d kick financial equality of the sexes in the butt. The thing is, there are only two of them, there’s only so much you can do with them, and there’s only so much they can do for you… get over it already and focus on our other erogenous zones! After a point, it just feels like you’re looking for lumps, really intently.
We KNOW your thing didn’t just “accidentally” try to land inside our butt. WE KNOW! Save the “oops” act!
Nibble all you want, but licking inside the ear? Gross.
The truth about shower sex is that it sucks! It’s uneasy, uncomfortable and life threatening! I’m sure it looked great on that porn you saw watched last week, guys, but would you want your parents to find you dead and naked in the shower?
Speaking of porn, are you dating a pornstar? No? Then she probably can’t do what pornstars do. That’s that!
“So this one time I was really getting it on, okay? Everything was perfect and then out of nowhere he licked my underarm. There went my (metaphorical) erection! Also, a friend of mine told me she’s had requests to lick his a**. Not in a sucking up to him, “oh you’re the best” kinda way… literally! I can’t even…
Men love blowjobs because it combines their only two passions: sex and sitting on their asses doing nothing. It’s great, but can you stop with the head controlling? Contrary to popular belief, women don’t hate blowjobs, they just hate your attempts at desensitizing their gag reflex with your head guiding!
Until men grow a uterus and have the ability to bear children, the use of condoms is not up for negotiation. Period. (No pun intended).
Got more? Tell us what mistakes are your men making!