Sex is beautiful. And all things beautiful are flawed. You see where I’m going with this? Sometimes some of the most random things happen when you least expect them to and they might just get too embarassing as well. In fact, embarassing to such an extent that you actually end up f*cking up while actually doing to the “deed”.
Here are some of the hilarious f*ck ups that people confessed to on Reddit. They might make you feel bad for them and LOL – both at the same time.
So my girlfriend and I were getting it on for the first time, and it involved really good foreplay and cuddling and whatnot. With me, when it comes to a new person for the first time, my nerves can get the best of me and sometimes I suffer from performance anxiety when it comes to first times with others, so during sex I had a hard time keeping it up (my penis that is) simply because of the nerves I was experiencing. My girlfriend understood completely and we decided to take a break and try again in maybe 30 minutes.
So when we finally got into it again, it was much better. We were really going at it missionary style when she says to me, “when you cum just pull out and do it on my stomach.” That was fine with me, so I kept going until 15 seconds later she said, “Yeah. Better out than in I always say.” At that moment I exploded. I laughed so fucking hard and my erection disappeared faster than most things possibly can. I was on her bed with my limp dick in her and I was losing it. Needless to say, sexy time went unfinished that night, and that was that. Thankfully, she found it really funny too, and takes some of the blame for it. Shrek is love, Shrek is life.
I don’t have a fucking clue how this happened. We’ve been together for a year and fucked many times.
He’s doing me doggy, I feel myself about to climax and clench my body to try to hold it back then suddenly he stops.
“Amy, you pooped” he says.
I don’t believe him so I don’t turn around but then I smelled it and I knew in that moment that I had indeed pooped mid-sex.
I jumped away from him quicker than sonic the fuckin hedgehog and lo’ and behold there’s a layer of shit in his pubes and he’s just looking at me as if to say “what the actual fuck?!”
I’m so ashamed I run to the toilet to furiously wipe my ass and then jump in the shower in a futile attempt to wash away the shame.
I must have clenched my body hard enough that I squeezed a loose turd out. Thankfully my boyfriend saw the funny side of it and cuddled me in the shower after, all while making poop jokes, but I’ll never live this down or forget that this happened.
I’m so fucking ashamed.
I joked that if my girlfriend really wanted to get me up maybe she should blow me into awareness. We laughed, made up, and the week pushed on. Fast forward to Thursday night, I’m in the strong embrace of an epic sleep, adventuring through the alternate reality that is my dreamscape when I feel this beautiful, warming sensation emanating from my loins, embracing my whole body, and I was so content, so happy, so relaxed until it was all shattered by a high pitched scream. A mixture of anger, complete horror, and utter disbelief which manifested itself into the words “WHAT THE FUCK!” Simultaneously, of a sudden my face is now being splashed with some lukewarm mystery liquid, and a slightly warmer liquid is gently raining down everywhere. I snap awake and realize…
I just pissed in my girlfriend’s mouth, she spit that mouthful of piss in my face, and I’m now continuing to rain down a morning, or in this case evening wood sprinkle system-esque cascade of piss. Fuck.
I recently got a new and awesome job. It’s distributed so my office is my computer…awesome. I was showing my boyfriend, a certified software geek, around my digital office. He leaned over my shoulder and so I have his neck a kiss and started kissing up to his chin. He caught my drift pretty quickly and we went to the bed.
Both of us enjoy sex on the rough side, nothing too extreme, but this day he was a little more into it then normal. Mostly just dirty talk and a little spanking but some choking too. Of course I’m a little more vocal and have always thought I sounded like I was in pain when I’m not. Of course things went as they normally do. All in all it was awesome and both of us were having a great time. Until my blinking screen caught my eye.
Our meeting software was on and evidently broadcasting. I keep a black sticker over the camera but still sound was probably perfectly audible. I screamed “no, stop!” and thinking he hurt me my boyfriend launched away from me like a burned cat. I ran over and checked the meeting software and it seemed like no one else was on. I turned it off and told my boyfriend. Both of us were laughing in relief at what was our near escape. Or what we thought.
About a minute later there is a pounding on the door with a police officer who was bound and determined to arrest my boyfriend for rape. Evidently one of my coworkers did sign on, hear what sounded like a woman in pain and a man going “yeah, you like that? yeah you do.” We both tried to talk to the officer who looked like he wanted to punch my boyfriend in the face. I tried to tell him it was all a misunderstanding. I let the police officer take me to the hospital while iterating over and over again that it was just sex, I was a willing and happy party in it. I had to tell a dozen nurses and doctors, receive a humiliating exam and received more pamphlets on rape then I knew existed and my boyfriend is now petrified of my computer and dead silent when we have sex.
While in the midst of having sex, we get the idea of me being blindfolded and my hands tied while she rides me. It feels amazing and, at the same, feel incredibly comfortable. Just laying down, enjoying it all, head resting on a pillow, unaware of how suddenly drowsy I felt. Slowly drifting aware without noticing.
All of a sudden…
She rips the condom right off. This immediately gets my attention, as you can imagine.
“YOU FELL ASLEEP WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX!!!”
“Yes, I must be that bad, huh?”
“Wait, really? What, no!!”
Should be noted she was moderately insecure.
“Yeah, while I was riding you, you started snoring!”
“….Uh I really did that?”
“And then I asked ‘Are you sleeping??’ before ripping it off!”
“Oh my God, I’m so, so sorry!!”
Cue me re-assuring her for the next 30 or so minutes convincing her she wasn’t bad at all and I just was really, really comfortable .