Bitch Boss: Ex-Bigg Boss Contestant Priya Malik's Savage Review Of The #BB10 Premiere

Priya Malik , 17 Oct 2016
Priya Malik
Priya Malik

I like being prepared for big things in life such as outraging on the internet to validate myself everyday, to getting trolled by strangers on the internet who have atrocious grammar and spelling. Life is made up of such precious moments. But, nothing had prepared me for Bigg Boss 10.

Not even the bowl of dahi with my bimaaron waali khichdi. Nope. No shit. So constipation. Much wow.

It all starts with the idea of the aam aadmi entering the Bigg Boss house for the first time, which, let me tell you, is a generic feature of Big Brother in most countries. But, wow, aam aadmi, you mean the common man? You mean the not-a-minor-celebrity-who-is-struggling-with-their-career aadmi? Yasss. Give it to me.

At this point, the feminist in me also screamed, why not the aam aurat? Really? Seriously? (As I have been a part of the show last year, I’m used to making issues out of nothing.)

A Bigg Boss tour bus arrives with the forever good-looking Salman Khan as their guide. There is a bunch of fake enthusiasm combined with over-acting and generic dancing skills people on-board, and of course, some blonde chicks (where there’s Salman, a blonde chick is sure to follow. Ahem. I swear I didn’t type that) and we’re given a tour of the house. At this point, I should also mention that this group of people was far more tolerable and attractive than the actual lot of contestants. I mean that I could deal with them. As you know, I’ve dealt with a fair few ‘foreigners’ in my time in the house.

*Cue dramatic music warning the public of the public.*

(I’m also mildly disappointed at Appy Fizz now being a sponsor of the show because it gives me flashbacks of other things yellow and fizzy. Only some of you will get this joke.)

We cut to some audition videos that the Bigg Boss team received and that makes me forgive them for this new lot of people, because even I would have gone mad by the end of this selection process. Among a bunch of weirdos, we see a man rhyming Kisaan and fan, a woman using the word ‘Fauji’ so recklessly that you would want to send her to the border, and a psycho confessing to be a psycho. It is amazing how well the public understands the nuances of the show.

Swami Omji Maharaj
Swami Omji Maharaj

And, yes, Salman is right, there could have not been a better entry than Swami Om Ji as the first contestant in the house. He is shown walking in water (not on water because, hey, Jesus owns that skill) and then sitting on earth in front of a fire. Mental is nothing but an anagram of element, or is it? There is one similarity between us. He stole my hairstyle from the time I was on the show. Hmph.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

He further pushes his Ram Rajya agenda and how he intends to invade the world with his HIndutva. More global than Priyanka Chopra. He enters wearing a maroon robe with maroon sneakers and a headgear (told you he’s copying my style). He blabbers a lot (copying my mannerisms, too) and claims that he spends 22 hours in a day working for the goodness of this world and that he sleeps for only 1 hour. We are spared of the details of that one missing hour but I am sure that all of us want to know about that too. Hey, we watch Bigg Boss, we are curious about everything, including His Holy Shit.

Salman Khan is the first man that Swami ji flirts with on the show, because after that he only spends his time sweet-talking the ladies. But, Swami ji does something really unexpected after that: he talks to Salman Khan about his marriage. Who would have thunk?

Lopamudra Raut
Lopamudra Raut

Then enters Lopamudra Raut, who represented India at Miss United Continents (I don’t know which ones) and was crowned 2nd runner up (which means she came 3rd – let’s remember that for when we might need specifics on the show if she refers to herself as Miss India). As with all pageant queens, Lopa also presents the fake broad smile and pretends to be really happy to meet Swami ji. By this point, we are glad that the Swami ji is wearing a robe because it makes it easier for him to hide his inner happiness.

Lopamudra then asks Swami ji, “Aapne abhi kya kiya?” right after seeing him doing a puja to enter the house. Of course, Lopa has been living in the United Continents and hence puja must be an alien phenomenon to her. They both bond mutually and proclaim the ‘ijjat‘ they have for each other. Zzzzz.

Manveer Gurjar

We then meet Manveer Gujjar, who talks about how he is the quintessential village boy at heart but flexes his muscles at a gym instead of an akhaada. He talks about how he understands that Bigg Boss is all about the tongue and the brain while he makes physically aggressive gestures with his hands and hence leaves the audience confused and intrigued. His fragile masculinity is quite evident already when he talks about “dhar denge” and “gaad doonga” – I mean, he may as well have been from Chandigarh.

Lopa and Manveer then have a conversation about Lopa’s dress and how that will be unsuitable for a village. Lopa quickly quips into an incorrect idiom “When in Rome, do like Romans.” Do what like Romans? He then makes fun of Lopa for coughing because an insect gets caught in her mouth. So innocent, village type gentleman kind of a comment.

Nitibha Kaul
Nitibha Kaul

Nitibha Kaul becomes the 4th participant to enter and can we all just know that she is KASHMIRI by origin because she’s going to tell you about it a multiple number of times. She represents the modern Indian girl who works in corporate, wears bikinis, does karaoke and takes selfies. I am surprised how she didn’t mention her favourite Snapchat filter. I am sure it’s the bitch filter. She then waits for Salman to ask her to sing, which does not seem scripted at all. To her credit though, she sings really well.

Jazzy music ensues and we meet Rohan Mehra whose screen presence is like that insect that got caught in Lopa’s mouth. I will leave it at that. At this moment, Nitibha also mentions that Rohan looks KASHMIRI too. Swami ji asks Nitibha which country she is from, to which Nitibha then responds with how she is, yes – wait for it – KASHMIRI.

Deepika Padukone enters the show dressed as Mogambo and meets the contestants. VJ Bani enters the show looking really edgy, which excites me, but she then dances like she wants nobody watching. She also claims to then have never watched a single season of Bigg Boss (which would have actually been a better choice than watching Roadies). But, nevermind. We cut to Lokesh, who is a Priyanka Chopra wannabe and is erratic yet interesting (in a very weird way), although she gets a bit shell shocked the moment she walks on stage. She then loses to Bani in a sari draping competition (intense, I know) and I have a strong feeling that these two will be at loggerheads with each other in the show.

Then comes my favourite part of yesterday’s episode, Swami ji relays an incident to Deepika Padukone and VJ Bani about how he kicked Elizabeth Taylor because she wasn’t fully covered, and surprise, surprise – both women just listen to him and don’t question his blatant display of violence against women. Their ‘choice’, I am sure.

Akansha Sharma
Akansha Sharma

Karan Mehra, who is famous for his character Naitik, enters the show and apparently does not know the meaning of the word Naitik. How Naitik. We then meet Akanksha Sharma who speaks more about her ex-brother-in-law than she does about her ex-husband, and in spite of not trying to not name the cricketer for a minute-and-a-half while she paints butterflies and some shit, she eventually slips Yuvraj‘s name and says that she is awaiting a divorce (which can now clearly be delayed by 3 months if she stays on the show for the whole course). Hopefully, seeing her create a ruckus on the show will make her ex-in-laws grant her a divorce anyway, although I applaud her for walking out of a bad marriage.

Two macho men are then introduced in the show, namely Manoj Punjabi (who is such a Punjabi that he can do without a surname) and TV actor Gaurav Chopra. While Manoj roams the streets of Jaipur like an aam aadmi, Gaurav Chopra drives down the Mumbai Sea Link in his flashy car (how celebrity!). Manoj does weird push ups near a palace in Jaipur to further solidify his aam aadminess or rather his Punjabiness. Gaurav is shown posing for a photoshoot and signing autographs until he picks up a yellow (yes, a yellow) drink in a cocktail glass. Hopefully no one spit in that glass. Shshshsh…

Priyanka Jagga
Priyanka Jagga

The strangest part about the aam aadmi pretending to be so much better than the celebrities is that they are also in the show to not be an aam aadmi anymore. And one such aam aadmi is Priyanka Jagga, who should just know that she can speak in Hindi on a Hindi show because her English is making Shakespeare roll in his grave. She also gives an immense amount of information on her children’s names, her career, her dating history, and how she became fraands with her foraanar husbaand. She also claims to need someone like Rahul Dev (next contestant) on the show because he is quite dabangg, thus clearly indicating her lack of belief in her own abilities.

By this point, I was happy that I am happy that I was a part of last season and not this one until Rahul Dev enters and comments on Priyanka’s abs as soon as he is told that she has two children. A fit mother? What? So surprising. Rahul is blown away. Swami ji welcomes both of them with the same damn original line that he has used for every other contestant.

Navin Prakash
Navin Prakash

Naveen Prakash enters doing exactly what Priyanka should have been doing; i.e., speaking Hindi. And he does it well. He also has another qualification to his credit: he managed to shut up Arnab Goswami on Newshour. Can we please make him the winner already? He also prides himself on not giving “bhaao to anyone” and we wonder who would want that from him. You know what my favourite bhojpuri name is? It is Monalisa. Monalisa enters the show gyrating on a sexy dance number and seems affable.

Now, tadaaaa, Bigg Boss drops the Big Bomb in which celebrities become slaves and the commoners become the masters. Anyone with an IQ >50 would have seen that coming, but cue in *shocked reactions*

Until tonight.
PS: I am not Kashmiri.
PPS: I thought you might want to know that.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

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