"Swamiji's Tharak Begins Early Morning" - Priya Malik's Bitch Boss Recap Of #BB10 Episode 2

Priya Malik , 18 Oct 2016

Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recap of episode 1 here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

Now, sing with me: Bitch Boss, Bitch Boss, Bitch Boss.

Good bwoys and gals.

We start the episode with a Breaking News format which is reminiscent of the time when Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her ass. The contestants are woken up at 12pm which is amazing for Swami ji because every devil prays at noon, and so does he. Priyanka shows him a headstand which displays why her brain is in her knees. Swami ji’s tharak begins early morning (noon) while he comments on Priyanka’s fit body. Once again, we are glad that he has draped a blanket around himself so that no one has to see his inner piece, sorry, inner peace* rise up.

The housemates wake up to a song that presumably we have never heard of, called ‘Saare niyam tod do‘ – but because it is trendy to dance in the mornings in the Bigg Boss house, a lot of contestants pretend to know that song so well that you would believe it is their callertune. Especially Monalisa, but you would expect that from her, considering that she is used to dancing on rubbish tunes.

(On another note, find me another person who actually dances every morning in their real life and I will finally burn my tiger onesie from last year. Enough said.)

The housemates sit in the living room amongst smoke fogger machines, because clearly there’s a fire in Swami ji’s pants. Bigg Boss presents the housemates with a massive rule book that looks bigger than Manveer and Manoj‘s fragile ego. The rulebook is also symbolically bigger than the collective IQ score of the house. I mean, it is huge.

Often, the best way to test someone’s character is to put them in a position of power and that is exactly what happens with the commoners. The ten commandments are then read out amongst a lot of oohs and aahs from everyone. You can also see Manveer and Manoj’s eyes gleaming, because clearly the term “man” is only in their names and not their deeds. They are not powerful, but they need to feel powerful.

Priyanka makes a fuss about Bani not responding to her question about Bani’s age. Priyanka clearly wants to ensure that she is the fittest despite her age and her use of her uterus. She also says something completely inane, i.e.  “Main aapko jaanti bhi nahi hoon toh main aap par personal attack kaise karoongi?” Clearly she does not realise that she is in the Bigg Boss house. That is how we roll, bro.

Some really sexy stuff happens after this. Yes, you guessed it right. Food porn. We get blessed with the most magical fruits on the planet such as free onions, potatoes, apples etc and the housemates rejoice, and they live happily ever after. Not.

The housemates go gung ho in their Masters Vs Slaves task and we only realise this when Priyanka announces that “Maine toh Rahul le liya hai.” Clearly, she needs him.
Swami ji gathers all the commoners in the bedroom and explains his tharak, because “unki oorja ka abhi tak patan nahi hua hai.” He didn’t have to tell us that. We can see it, but oorja is a funny name for one’s penis. When a bitch (female dog, if you want me to be politically correct) is in heat, it bleeds; when a Swami ji is in heat, he tharaks. Same shit.

The commoners then complain about the tea because clearly they’re used to the celeb life. Priyanka complains about the lack of sweetness in her tea as the audience bemoan the lack of sweetness in her nature. Manoj talks to Lopa the exact way you would expect him to talk to a woman: “Chalo jaao, khaana banaao” – leaving no room to wonder whether or not he is truly an asshole.

Thanks to Lokesh‘s feeble attempt to be heard, we cut to VJ Bani cleaning the pool and using a phrase that can clearly sum up this season so far: Asli Tatti. I am not just impressed by her perceptiveness, but also by her choice of vocab. Mujhe bhi Rodizz banna hai.

Right after the tatti conversation, the conversation turns to food and we see Manu being an asshole yet again. I almost wish to see another side to his character, but assholes are always one dimensional and hence they are left behind. We also see Monalisa talking about the food situation which is, as we all know in the Bigg Boss house, really shitty (or asli tatti). This is also the only time you would hear Monalisa talk in the house because for the rest of the time, she does exactly what she does in Vinci‘s portrait, i,e. smiles, silently.

Priyanka, so far, is turning out to be exactly like the food that she does not want to eat. Terrible. We switch to Swami ji relaying an incident this time where he does not kick a woman but that he was born talking, as if we cannot tell that already. What do you do with an infant who is born talking? You shut him up. And that is exactly what the housemates do.

We see Manu and Manveer being manly again as they gossip about Babaji and give hi-5s which drip off of their manliness. Gang Leaders Manu, Manoj and Priyanka also get really offended at slave Gaurav for using the word ‘gang’ to refer to his group. These are the same people who read Chetan Bhagat and eventually agree like one Indian girl that feminism should actually be called humanism because so human, much wow, what gang? So slave.

Lopamudra asks Naveen for a manicure and pedicure and Naveen blushes as much as Arnab Goswami blushes whenever Barkha Dutt tries to speak with him. Slave Gaurav then requests the commoners to take a bath so that they all can do the same, but Princess Priyanka relays her wish to swim before a bath. At this point, we are hoping that either she does not know how to swim or that the pool is poisonous. Rohan and Karan continue to agree with everyone in the house and you really wonder ki yeh character kya kehlata hai.

Princess Priyanka continues living up to her expectations and is condescending towards slave Gaurav’s career history. Slave Gaurav seems to be boiling up on the inside and I am just waiting for him to explode beautifully on our TV screens, like a yellow cocktail, just tipping out of a glass. Manoj complains about the quality of food cooked by Lopa because he is so aam but indeed very aadmi.

Nominations take place and the best part in the nominations is that Priyanka finally sticks to her mother, brother, sister, father tongue i.e. Hindi and is hence understandable. A lot of commoners complain about Monalisa’s quietness, but seriously, what else do you expect from a painting? Gaurav is clearly intimidating for a few and is hence also nominated. The celebrities are to collectively nominate two commoners and they choose Priyanka and Manoj. In case you missed it, we also see Manoj with his finger up his nose for a split second only to think he is aiming at the wrong hole. Manoj expresses his surprise by saying that he is not surprised to be nominated.

A house meeting is called and we hear Karan Mehra proving to the world that he still has vocal chords. That presentation, unlike his daily soap, lasts only for a little while until it is drowned down by other voices, mainly Bani’s. Bani tells them how to behave and how to pee (we knew that so well in the last season, we even did it in a car).

Manoj further solidifies that the only reason he is nominated is not because he is an asshole but because he is a strong asshole and Priyanka agrees. He then calls the girls in the commoners group “gadhees“, i.e. donkeys, and we only have one phrase for him – he is asli tatti

Sorry, did I miss Rahul Dev?
PS: Hi Nitibha, but doesn’t he also look Kashmiri?

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