Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.
Knowing my record in spraying pee over people, I have now moved on to bigger and better things, I spray asli tatti on you guys. You’re welcome.
We begin the episode with a Sleeping Beauty drama but in this case the sleep is disturbed not because of a prince but because of an asshole, Manoj. Manoj totally beats me in terms of the volume competition. He is always loud. Sometimes when he speaks, I envision an actual asshole stretching out and actually being vocal. It is a terrible sight, and hairy. No. do not visualize it. Eesh. I told you not to!
At this point, Karan, unselects his mute option and decides to speak some sense to Manu. Princess Priyanka comes and stands right behind Manu for…I don’t know why. During this fiasco, Bani, Rohan and Rahul clutch hard on their mute buttons, lest we hear them speak.
Bigg Boss plays the “Gupt Gupt” song, clearly signifying how intellect is still gupt i.e. hidden in the house. I like his subtle hints. I fear that it doesn´t exist but we will stick to it being hidden for now. I love how Swami ji just claps to the songs every morning, like you would during an aarti. You can see the “oorja” on his face just waiting to be “patan”-ed. His mornings are full of wood and today he compliments Mona´s dancing skills. Creepy.
When the batteries come, Naveen quips at Swami ji “Aapke andar itni oorja hai, aapko battery badalne ki kya zaroorat?” Burn! At this point, Manu fingers his earhole very vigorously, making the audience wish that he was getting electrocuted instead and exclaims his excitement over the arrival of gobhi ke phool for lunch. He also tells the now unmuted Karan how the celebrities have been cooking “waahiyaad” food – well, that´s the exact term I would use in Manoj’s Orkut bio. ‘Describe yourself in one word- Waahiyaad’
Later, he refuses to have used “that” word in “that” context and calls Karan by the name Manan with the letter M presumably borrowed from Karan’s mute option from the past two days. We also learn that Princess Priyanka loves Appy Fizz early in the morning with her morning tea. Dude, I bet she needs it on her face too, sometimes, only then people shut up. The commoners then convene (Manoj, Manveer, Naveen and Priyanka) and tell Manveer to stop being human (Salman would mind that) and explain how the celebrities are being partial and feeding them paranthas and themselves eating uble hue aaloo. So partial. Boiled potatoes are my favourite delicacy, who needs paranthas?
They also make fun of how the celebrities do their chores, especially Priyanka, which is ironic since her kids said that she does not know how to cook. Later, she also tells Bani how she doesn´t have to say “Please” whist giving orders to the celebrities. Puhlease Bani. We only expect such polite words from humans, not princesses. Princess Priyanka uses her bell to further relay her orders (somebody needs to bell the cat), and cries, yes, cries at being asked to say Please.
Doctor: What brings you here, Priyanka?
Priyanka: My tear ducts activate when someone asks me to say Please. Help me. Now.
Doctor: Please say please
Priyanka: *cries* and (hopefully) *dies*
Slave Gaurav tells Bani how the commoners have decided to punish Bani (for expecting the commoners to be polite) and Bani says that she will take whatever punishment she is given (saare niyam tod do, anyone?). Lopa then decides to bang her head against a brick wall (also known as Priyanka) and tells her that she is rude. Just like a mad man would never agree to be mad or just like Donald Trump would never agree to be unfit to become the American President, Priyanka denies (rudely) being rude at all. Lopa promises Priyanka that she will be fine one day. Thatś a lie. That´ś what Ivanka Trump probably tells her father every day.
Lokesh tells the camera exactly what we have all been waiting to hear “Guruji ki battery down honay waali hai” Yass. Queen. Give it to me.
The first task is introduced to the housemates which is specifically aimed at the celebrities as they have to guess which secret (commoners have apparently enclosed one secret each before entering the house) belongs to which housemate. If the celebrities are able to guess the majority of the secrets then, whoa, no one would have thought or anticipated this plot twist (those with an IQ<50) then the Sevaks will become Maaliks and vice versa (camera zooms in, pans on their face and they go kya, kya, kya?) (thunder, lightning) (breaking news).
Swami ji´s Oorja (the name he lovingly uses for his penis) begins to rise up to Lopa. He acts like a total dickhead and threatens her that if she reveals his secret then she will have to pay the price (I am so scared by Swami ji, I have locked myself in my own house for the remainder of the week. I am not Elizabeth Taylor). Lopa also reprimands him for the threat but says “Aap bade hain” – Erm, how does she know?
The Sevaks are then called to the activity area, at which point I realise that I have not heard Rahul Dev speak from the time he entered the house. He will surely make for a perfect husband (a mute man) should Priyanka ever choose to remarry. In the activity area, the Sevaks are presented with a riddle which pertains to Akanksha´s marriage. Funnily enough, Priyanka then interrogates Rahul about his smoking/drinking habilts like a matrimonial classified ad (I saw that coming, I am the real Swami, without the Oorja).
Slave Gaurav is such a suave slave, he does Akanksha´s nails while asking her about her marriage. Akanksha, like the perfect feminist, explains how she was so devastated by a (single) breakup that she told her mother to get her married to anyone, even a dog, and so she did. I, for one, know that dogs can never make for great husbands, but Priyanka would disagree with me. Please.
They then discuss the length of Akanksha´s eyelashes and she says that they are “average long”, a phrase that I didn´t know existed. We also learn that Akanksha´s ex mother-in-law accompanied her to her honeymoon. I bet she was there for the extra innings.
The celebs, thanks to Slave Gaurav’s smooth talking skills guess it right and Swami ji (who has already revealed his secret to Lopa) admonishes Akanksha for doing the same. They have a nonsensical fight which lasts for and ‘’average long’’ time. Swami ji then tells Gaurav that Akanksha is ‘charitraheen’ for having spoken against her ex on national tv which gives us a huge glimpse in Swami ji´s charitra or rather the lack of it.
We never *really* get to hear what the Swami says about Lopa but he gets chided for it by Bigg Boss and he pretends to apologize for it to the rest of the housemates. His apology sounds exactly like he does – insincere. We cut to the commoners chatting in the bathroom where Naveen brings up an inane mathematical calculation of the average age of the two groups. If this is really the kind of logic he used on Newshour then I really want to (finally) stop watching Newshour. Being the educated teacher that he is, he also says “Aap ladki se bhid gaye, ladki se na bhid kar aap kisi strong personality se bhidte” – thus clearly indicating his belief that women cannot be strong personalities, thanks to our vaginas. Such a dick.
Priyanka and Lokesh do not react or respond to this blatant sexism because, hey, sing with me, Bigg Boss, Bigg Boss, Bigg Boss.
PS: Hi Nitibha, are you still Kashmiri?
PPS: I am having my doubts because it´s been a while since you said it (or anything at all, really)
Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss