Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.
Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.
Feel the Fizz. Zzzzzz.
*wakes up*
The episode begins with Princess Priyanka instructing Tharki Swami ji to enact drama at 2am in the morning. Are you surprised? I am not. She instructs him to lie down on bed and start ringing the bell, asking for food and complaining that he has not been fed, only to disturb the celebs. Asshole Manoj, Manveer and the second fiddle Lokesh, are also a part of this humane plan. Lokesh then speaks to the camera in such slow mo that you feel like pressing fast forward on your remote.
Swami ji ke DNA main tharak ke saath saath ghulami bhi hai and hence he does exactly as instructed. The celebs wake up and ask him what he wants. We all know what he *really* wants, but this time he asks for food. Monalisa protests against Swami ji’s demands because clearly he is being more ridiculous than even the plot of a Bhojpuri film.
At 4am, Swami ji is fed and Priyanka slyly tells him how Rahul called him a tharki. Just how Priyanka is not rude, in the same way, the Swami ji is not tharki. In fact, he is Mahatharki. He shows this by making lewd comments about Rahul’s mother/sister (presumably), and Mannequin Rahul finally responds to it – as he should. Swami ji asks “Aaapne kabhi mujhe kisi aurat ke peechche ghoomte hue dekha hai yahan pe?” At which point I want to ask him “Horizontally ya vertically?” kyunki dekha toh hai.
Priyanka then claims that Swami ji is like her father. I agree with her, because if tharki Swami were to ever have a daughter, I bet she’d turn out exactly as evil as Priyanka. Bitch, please. At this point, Asshole Manoj is too sleepy and, for the first time ever, wants to go to bed rather than continue the argument. Karan tries to instill some sense in Swami ji and the ‘Indiawale’, to which they respond the same way Kejriwal responds to Modi: with not much substance.
Manveer, who is slowly emerging as less of an asshole, questions Swami ji’s tharki reaction to being called a tharki. Priyanka, the devil, acts as a devil’s advocate in this situation as the night turns to morning.
The housemates are woken up to “Parde main rehne do” and Monalisa dances to it with full force as we randomly zoom into a sponsor ad while we are watching her groove to the rhythm – but hello, UC Browser. We cut to Swami ji making up yet another story that does not exist. He tells Naveen how Gaurav wants to marry Akanksha and how she is dying for it to happen. Wow. I bet this is his greatest fantasy. He imagines the two of them mating and tries to patan his oorja every night. Intelligent Naveen accepts this incredulous fantasy like it’s a fact. Henceforth, he will allow his students to use Wikipedia as a credible source of information.
Swami ji eventually apologises to Lopa using the greatest logic in the world. He says that his mind went bonkers due to high fever. Yass. That’s what he said. So logic. Much wow. Lopa also applies some insane logic of how the mind only goes bonkers at 104 degrees fahrenheit temperature. 104. Remember than number.
Judge: Why did you kill that man?
Murderer: I had high fever so my mind went bonkers.
Judge: But, how high was the fever?
Murderer: 104 degrees fahrenheit.
Judge: Aah, I see, that makes sense then. You’re free to go.
*murderer kisses his thermometer*
Suave Slave Gaurav chimes in this discussion with Swami ji and uses a lot of cool Hindi words such as maansikta and vivran (*fans self*) and tells him how he is perhaps being used by people from his group. Swami ji concedes and says that even he felt like he was taken advantage of the night before (how exciting for oorja). We cut to a conversation between Gaurav and Akanksha where he says all the right things and she nods her head in agreement and says LOL, yes. She doesn’t actually laugh out loud but claims to be feeling that from the inside. SMH (obviously I am not actually shaking my head).
Princess Priyanka gets bored and tries to spring up an argument with Gaurav while he tells them that he has just been told by Swami ji that he is being taken advantage of. Gaurav is such a smooth criminal as he successfully divides their group. Swami ji is shocked at this revelation and tries to talk out of it. It obviously doesn’t work. Swami ji and his tharak will now be disowned soon. Unki battery sach main down honay waali hai. (Can’t wait.)
The celebs are then called to the activity area and presented with their next riddle. It pertains to being as flawless as a moon is (in spite of all its craters). In the next scene, Rohan Mehra looks like the son I should’ve given birth to. He made my ovaries scream because he is cute but with swag. He gets into a huge argument with Asshole Manu because Manu gets really offended that Rohan stands up to him. I mean, how dare he, stand to the great king of all assholes? LOL.
The best thing about Rohan’s meltdown is that he starts air guitaring. How cute (my ovaries exclaimed). In the middle of this commotion, Monalisa suddenly realises that she read her contract wrong. She thought this was Jhalak Dikhhla Ja! She begs Bigg Boss to send her home so that she can polish her zumba skills instead. After this, Priyanka tries to pacify Rohan is some weird way which is weirder than her actual self. She reminds me of a slimmer version of Dolly Bindra. Baap pe nahi gayi main.
*drum rolls* We finally hear Nitibha talking. Yes. How is Kashmir? She proudly proclaims to the camera how she has convinced the celebrity group that the moon riddle is actually based on her, only to later find out that the celebrities actually take Lokesh’s name instead. Nitibha said it with the same confidence that I had in the last season’s detective task. Maine toh sirf teen second main hee pehchaan liya tha. However, the celebrities’ guess turns out to be wrong, at which Rahul Dev quips, “Let’s try knowing them!” But that would require you to speak, Rahul!
Manoj expresses his disappointment at the fact that Manveer is being less of an asshole. Swami ji and Naveen agree that Manveer should just stick to the stereotype of being a Gujjar just like Manu is defaming Punjabis all over Canada. Appy Fizz introduces some stupid task and the housemates exclaim to make the sponsors feel better. Feeling the fizz.
The celebrities are then presented with the next riddle, which is really very confusing. It talks about a person who stopped a missile from hitting India. Who can it be? Nitibha? Did she toggle all the Google servers and prevented us all from the mishappenings in this world? Or is it Akanksha who used Yuvraj’s cricket bat and hit a sixer on that missile, straight outta the boundary? Howzzat? But the celebrities guess it right and Swami ji is surprised at how aware everyone is of his divine powers. His oorja is so big that he can eclipse the sun with it. His tharak is so deep that he can cause a dent in any missile. That’s Om ji for you. Repeat after me.
The next riddle is presented, which is about a person who sleeps with a doll. If if it wasn’t for the missile, I would have totally guessed Swami ji for this one because no woman would actually ever want to sleep with him, so a doll… yes. The celebrities, however, assume that the doll is Chucky and hence take Priyanka’s name, which turns out to be wrong, after all.
As the day falls into night, Princess Priyanka demands water to which Rohan complies by actually trying to feed her water by placing the glass of water to her mouth. His passive aggressive reaction infuriates Princess Priyanka and she exclaims, “By God, kasam se.”
The smell of Asli Tatti then pervades through the house for an average long time.
Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss
PS: What is the capital of Kashmir?
PPS: That was Nitibha’s favourite question in GK exams.