Bitch Boss: Priya Malik's Hilarious Recap Is Filled With Craaaazy Bhojpuri Film References!

Priya Malik , 25 Oct 2016

Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

Give me a P *pee*, Don’t pee!

Give me an R *arrr* Are you a pirate?

Give me an I *aye* Yes?

Give me a Y *why* What?

Give me a… (that got boring as a quickly as Priyankas time in the house)

Now, just shut up and celebrate.

The day begins with the commoners complaining about tea to Lopa; mainly the asshole gang of Manoj, Manveer and Navin. They claim that it’s too sweet for them – well that might actually help to counter the bitterness in their souls. (Yass!) Nitibha tries to instill some sense in them and says “Aap Taj expect kar rahe hain kya?”, which is totally a Googled dialogue from Salman’s weekend episode! Kash (mir) Nitbibha kuch original soch pati!

The commoners begin to strategize who to nominate this week, while also discussing that they shouldn’t strategize and do it from the heart instead. Awww. Navin then sits with Nitibha, Akansha and Lokesh and talk about how neither of them are physically strong compared to the celebs team and that the nominations should be based on those parameters. Physical strength ≠ muscles, Navin Sir – somebody should have taught you that!

He goes on to flaunt his intellect further by saying that celebrities are heartless people because they are celebrities. If Navin becomes Salman Khan, he will name his charitable organisation “Being inhuman”, because, celebrity y’know! In the frontyard, Manu flirtatiously sings a song to Monalisa and asks for a hero’s role in a Bhojpuri film because, ‘main bhi Madhuri Dixit banna chaahta hoon’. I’m glad he is so self aware of his villainy! He also calls her ‘pure girl’, (worse than ‘do fraandship with me’) amongst some other insincere sounding compliments.

And, tadaaa! As the commoners are caught breaking rules by discussing nominations, (they totally didn’t read the contract, like Rimi from last season) they are punished by a celebs’ takeover. The camera zooms into the commoners’ faces and you can hear a strange voice whisper, “Karma, karma, karma” in their earholes.  I am really excited about this changeover of power because, not only will it show how the celebrities handle the power, (their real colors, only on Colors) but also, ab aayega asli chai ka mazaa, Waah Taj!

As the celebrities dig into their presumably scrumptious meal, Swami ji sits on the table and asks them for forgiveness and/or punishment. They ask Swami ji to let them eat in peace and lo and behold, ask him to not sit at the dining table while they’re eating. Didn’t I mention that power is a great test of one’s character? Rahul Dev shows his power by shooing Swamiji away rudely.  Neither the commoners, nor Swami ji complain about it  but he goes and talks to Bigg Boss – I think he thinks that ‘taking a stand’ indicates standing in front of the camera. Clearly!

The commoners begin to crack under pressure as Lokesh and Manoj get into a ‘Who Wants to be a Kitchennaire’ contest. Bitch, peas! (see what I did there?) Manoj also called her a ‘stupid girl’, which is better than being considered ‘pure girl’ by him, because that is purely stupid. During this heated argument, Nitibha just stares at Manoj – the same way Pakistan stares at Kashmir.

Swami ji, the missile stopper, the oorja heater, the source of everything on this planet wants to use the Crossfit machine without taking permission from the maaliks – because God doesn’t bow in front of anyone! Swami ji tells Bigg Boss that this sangathan of 13 people in the house are out to kill him! There’s a Judas amongst his disciples! Even the camera turns to look at the other camera going ‘Whaaaa?’ – #StillABetterMurderMysteryThanLastSeasonsDetectiveTask.

He then goes and lies on bed with some of the killer suspects and entertains others with his madness.

Celebs are then shown discussing Manoj’s growing intimacy with Monalisa. What will Manoj and Monalisa name their child – Manojlisa (keeping it real) At this point, I’d also like to quote a famous Bhojpuri film called Pepsi Peeke Lagelu Sexy. Yes. That is real. Manoj and Manveer apparently also exchange a tharki look everytime he touches Mona, that is the Lakhon Mein Ek Hamar Bhauji look – yes, that is also a Bhojpuri film title. I am the real Google.

Bigg Boss plays ‘Yaad aa raha hai tera pyaar’ for the housemates, while we see a life size cutout of Priyanka in the frontyard, more like ‘Yaad aa rahi hai teri nafrat” – amirite? We see Swami ji getting teary eyed because nobody else wants his oorja anymore. Cut to Gaurav, Bani and Karan warning Monalisa of Manoj’s behaviour but she dismisses it because he is Hero Gamchawala (yes, another one).

Nom nom nom! Give me some foam. The housemates are asked to nominate two housemates from the opposing group by putting some foam on their faces and some allegations on their characters (me likey!). Rohan rubs the foam in Manoj and Manveer’s faces like he is giving them a facial (that sounds so wrong in my head). The highlight of the nominations process is Swami Ji’s top knots hairdo. Slaying!

A lot of housemates give the “It is not you, It is me” reasoning for nominations claiming their lack of ¨connection¨, as the reason behind the nominations. Well, it’s Bigg Boss, not Tinder!

*swipes left on asli tatti*

The nominated housemates are Monalisa, Gaurav, Rohan, Nitibha, Akansha, Manoj and Manveer. Post nominations, Manveer blasts Swami ji for not taking a stand for them or rather with them and we wait for yet another missile to hit the Bigg Boss planet.

PS: I was in Kashmir over the weekend.

PPS: It was as cold as Princess Priyanka’s heart.

Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss

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