Bitch Boss: Priya Malik Reviews Swamiji's Art Of "Tharkology"

Priya Malik , 29 Oct 2016

Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

We start the episode with Lokesh crying about what ‘Nasty Navin‘ did to her blocks. To make matters worse, when Big Boss asks Lopa to count the number of blocks in each line, he topples Lokesh’s blocks even further and hence wins immunity and loses respect. He then apologises to the camera – yes, the camera, perhaps because he couldn’t look Lokesh in the eye and explains that he did it because it is the Bigg Boss House. No Navin. You did it because you did it. His apology sounds as insincere as a politician’s promise.

We cut to the commoners, and Lopa is comforting Lokesh. For the first time, ‘asshole Manoj‘ says something nice – he says, “Tumhare blocks nahi gire hain, woh nazro se gira hai¨, for Navin. At this point, Lokesh tells them (Manoj and Manveer) that Navin has been instigating the rest of the commoners against them already. Navin then tries to get some validation from the other housemates in the garden area. Gaurav quips, “Hum kisi din 5 minute dil se baat karenge” – that day will probably be after Gaurav is eliminated for doing absolutely nothing on the show. We also see Rahul pumping iron in the background, which is presumably to gather some strength to speak on the show. He should actually be exercising his jaw instead because muscles don’t talk, mouths do.

Lokesh further confronts Navin and is supported by the rest of the commoners. Navin takes great offence when called jhandu and explains to Manveer that he did it to win the task. He also puts across the point that everyone (including Lokesh) was happy when he poured water on the opponent’s clothes in the laundry task and asked them how this was any different. Well, it is. Luxury tasks should involve strategy as they are group tasks but immunity or captaincy should only involve merit, as they are individual tasks. Period.

But due to an IQ<50, everyone remains silent and/or agrees with him. Swami ji also says “Everything is fair in love and war”. Yes Swami ji, we can only imagine what you do to and with Oorja in love and, ahem… war like situations. This is also the same Swami ji who called “Vishwasghaat”, the biggest crime in the world. After this, some insanely useless flirtatious chatter takes place between Monalisa and Manu later, which is so boring that I am yawning as I type th…*yawns*.

The housemates then wake up to a Happy Diwali song and appear to be enthused temporarily with positivity. During this dance routine, Swami ji also stares at a dancing Mona in the exact same way as I stare at Krispy Kreme doughnuts while I am on a diet. Manoj and Manveer have interestingly not brought up the instigation conversation up with Navin yet and lend an ear to both Lokesh and Navin separately just agreeing with the person in conversation. We see Nitibha dressed like the botanical gardens of Kashmir and Swami ji says that, “Monika (Monalisa) ki aankhein bhi nasheeli hain”. Ummm….aur kya nasheela hai? He also says, “Kal Mona ko yahaan par dekh kar, mere andar ka baap jag gaya” – more like, baap banne ka armaan, #AmIRight?

Swami ji also tells us more about his divine powers, this time it is linguistic proficiency. He says that when he gives speeches in China, he automatically begins to speak in Chinese. Niiiii How? He is a supercomputer, a superhuman being, he is everything that I have ever hoped for in a man, and more. He is my Prince Charming who does not even need a horse because a horse just grows underneath his ass due to his supernatural powers when he gallops. Okay, marry me.

The celebrities then receive some gifts from home and the zombie celebrities become alive with such gusto and begin to do human like activities such as running, laughing, speaking excitedly etc. We also see Swami ji and Mona getting released from the jail due to the occasion of Diwali. At this point, I have also concluded that Monalisa is as sweet as Yuvika from last year with an equivalent amount of depth, i.e. not very much.

Eventually, Swami ji’s deodrant robbery is found out and we learn that the deodrant was apparently Lopa’s. As expected, Lopa does not confront him about it because zombies don’t do that. We also get to know that Swami ji has also stored a ton of body washes in his bag – to clean his sins, of course.

We cut to Swami ji performing the Diwali puja, and when he uses the word “manokaamna”, Bani, asks if that means “wish”. Err…what do they call it in Chandigarh – Kaamna de takay? Bigg Boss wishes them all a very happy Diwali, presents them with the luxury budget hamper and gifts from the commoners’ families, and they all rejoice.

Oppo then presents a selfie task (so unexpected from Oppo), and we get to hear that Swami ji has modeled for Oppo before. I am sure he is the sole reason behind Oppo’s success too. Oppo’s slogan is “The art of Technology”, and Swami ji’s slogan is “The art of Tharkology” – same shit. The winners of the task (Rohan and Karan) get Oppo smartphones and the rest of them get Babaji ka thullu.

We also see asshole Manoj and Monalisa discussing how they have partners outside the house and that they’re only faking this relationship. They also forget the presence of cameras and are intelligent enough to whisper into their mics lest we hear them. It totally worked. Now, if only they were also good actors, we could’ve enjoyed seeing their Raat bhar hilaya hai, phir bulaya hai ( don’t ewww me, it’s an actual Bhojpuri film title!)

PS: Have you heard of the Dull lake in Kashmir?

PPS: Is it named after Monalisa?

Yours bitchfully,

Bitch Boss

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