Bitch Boss: Priya Malik's Hysterical Take On The Bani-Gaurav Fight

Priya Malik , 01 Nov 2016

Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

Hey babies, I missed you over the weekend. (now imagine Swami ji saying it) Okay. Sorry.

The day begins with the housemates waking up to Ole ole and we see Swami ji dancing with Monalisa because jab bhi koi ladki dekhe, unka dil deewana bole (you get the drift, right?). We later see the commoners teasing Swami ji about the way he feels for Monalisa. Monalisa enters the pool and you feel like uske lehenga main baad aail ba (yep, a Bhojpuri film title). Considering that she is in the pool, Swami ji is not far behind. He jumps into the pool and swims towards Monalisa in the same way as KRK drifts towards cheap publicity.

We cut to Bani talking to Manveer about his relationship history. Manoj’s penis shrinks greatly at seeing this and he claims that Bani is trying to “brainwash” him. He is like that stereotypical insecure mother in law who thinks that her daughter in law spends every waking second of her life plotting to take her son away. Later, even Swami ji hints at Bani as being Manveer’s “girlfriend” because he saw them “talking” to each other. Going by this definition, everyone is having an orgy in the Bigg Boss house.

Tensions between Manoj, Manveer and Swami ji further escalate on the dinner table (while a hairband is also flung across by Swami ji) and we see Swami ji insisting on playing the game individually (only him and his Oorja). He later tells the celebrities that he will now eat his meals with them and seeks validation from them. He also tells Bigg Boss to instruct the boys to never talk to him again and we wonder why he doesn’t use his divine powers to sew their mouths shut.

Manveer then involves Bani in this conversation and rebukes Swami ji for being judgemental, at calling her his girlfriend. While the commoners are yelling at each other and pulling Swami ji down, we see the celebrities (who we hardly ever see) laughing at this fiasco. Zombies can laugh? That is news to me. Manveer and Manoj keep verbally attacking Swami ji by dishing out what he says about the celebrities in front of the celebrities. The supreme lord of all beings, our Swami ji gets tongue tied and begins to call upon the Gods (or a missile) to punish Manoj and Manveer.

Housemates are then gathered inside the living room and told that it’s time to nominate. They all exclaim greatly only to hide their excitement about being able to eradicate each other from this house. And, there’s a twist! The housemates are asked to nominate from their own groups (kya, kya, kya) *insert a close up shot*, and the fissures begin to show. What is interesting to note is that Rahul nominates Karan for his lack of aggression in the tasks (wait, let me laugh this one out). Rahul, a mannequin who once rolled in the ground to save a piece of clothing in the laundry task, nominates Karan for his lack of aggression. Okay then!

Swami ji breaks down during this nomination and says that he feels humiliated by Manoj and Manveer. He also prays really hard for some glycerin because no teardrops fall from his eyes while he cries his heart out. The nominated contestants are Bani, Monalisa, Lopamudra, Swami ji, Nitibha, Manoj and Manveer. All of them later bond over the insecurity of being nominated the same way old people bond over diseases. “Oh, you have lymphosarcoma of the intestine? High five! Me too” kinda bonding.

Nitibha also asks Swami ji for a mantra to save her from being evicted. After seeing this, if Google hires Nitibha again then I’m totally switching to Bing. We also see Gaurav telling Bani that he didn’t vote based on his equations but that he voted his toughest competitors out (Bani and Rahul). Hearing this Bani casually flings a cushion on his face and walks away because “How dare he use his brain?” and “How dare he call her tough competition?” *insert some cool MTV victory sign yo yo*

Later on, Swami ji talks into the camera and asks every nationalist to vote for him because he is the true representation of our Indian culture. While he asks for votes, he also appeals to the public to vote out Manoj and Manveer and declares them anti-national. Bharat Mata ki jai, anyone?

We also observe Gaurav continuing to apologise to Bani for using his brain during nominations but she doesn’t relent. Use of brains is not and should not be allowed in the Bigg Boss house. Navin tries to instigate Monalisa against Manu because he still thinks that people in the house will trust his “good intentions”. That is the only cute thing about Navin, i.e., the fact that he is stupid enough to think that everyone else around him is stupid.

Eventually, Lokesh drops the truth bomb on Rahul again by mentioning that he is the real Mr. India (due to his powers of being invisible) and we close into yet another day, yet more asli tatti.

PS: Yes, Nitibha, there is a mantra to get safe from evictions
PPS: It is “Om Kashmire KashmiraShah*

Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss

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