Bitch Boss: Priya Malik Reviews The Royal Bigg Boss Episode

Priya Malik , 03 Nov 2016

Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

I wonder who came up with this “Breaking News” format, it’s more like breaking fuse – the brain fuse, really.

The housemates wake up to some weird jaadu song and we see some garish royal set up in the living room. Swami ji speaks to Manu and Manveer (whom he vowed to never speak with 24 hours ago) to “strategize” for the next “satta ki ladaai”. We are introduced to the next task called “Raaja aur Rank”, in which the commoners are the royal family, (specific roles assigned to each) and the celebs are the royal slaves.

Amongst the roles, Swami ji is made the emperor with new clothes (pun intended) and Bani is his royal body guard (ahem, she might need to guard her own body from Swami ji). While the housemates are busy playing dress up, Gaurav (playing the royal advisor), gets a secret task which includes a list of situations that the celebs must succeed in creating. If they complete a “majority” of the tasks, and take photos of it (they’re given a cam) they will win the task.

I don’t know about you guys but I’m kinda bored of this ‘Slaves Vs. Masters’ task changeovers. We have already seen how each of the housemates deal with power, (and even the ones who don’t) so it is about time that this concept changes. Manoj and Manveer begin to express their discontent with Swami ji’s existence, err, I mean, his emperorship. Swami ji insists on taking royal counsel from his bodyguard, not realising that body guards don’t provide consultancy services.

We indulge in a few minutes of the commoners (loudly) discussing and fighting over how to “win” this task and we yawn a little bit. We close our yawning mouths when Nitibha argues with Manoj because he talks to her condescendingly (surprise surprise).

Manu:“Buzz off”
Nitibha: “You buzz off”

Cue in *aaaaa* kuch kuch hota hai

She later gets into an argument with Manveer because he, too, talks to her condescendingly (surprise surprise). She later quips how her role of the royal daughter in law has already displayed how daughter in laws are usually treated in our society. Deep. She also admonishes Navin for trying to dominate her in the task. I feel like my PMSing spirit has entered Nitibha in this episode. Bye Kashmir.

Manveer reckons that Nitibha is doing all this to try and save herself from getting evicted this week. He also calls the celebrities “girgit aur saanp”, I think they’re great names for Manveer and Manoj; Asshole Girgit and Asshole Saanp. One of the secret tasks for the celebs is for Monalisa to kiss Manveer on the cheek and she (obviously) succeeds in doing that. Manoj’s penis doesn’t shrink in this particular instance but tries to grow as big as his ego, which is, well, pretty big, I’m certain.

Although, he also advises Monalisa to stay within her “boundaries” because he does not want to become answerable to his family (a fiance, I hear). To this, Monalisa replies by saying “Sevak Sevikayein rajaao ke liye hee hoti hain”. Ok then! Rahul Dev tries to fulfill his task (making Swami ji wear a piece of Rahul’s clothing) and fails miserably. The sevikas (Lopa and Mona), however, succeed in feeding fruits to Manveer which was also a part of the secret task. Interestingly, thanks to the abundance of tharak in Girgit and Saanp, the celebs have been successful in two tasks already.

Some mindless flirtatious exchanges take place between Manveer, Lopa, Manoj, Nitibha and Monalisa as a part of the task role plays and we cut to Swami ji’s face looking wretched because tharak is his superpower, not anyone else’s. In the midst of a lot of frivolities, we also hear him telling Lokesh that she isn’t following Indian traditions (bhartiya paramparaa) because she smiled at Rohan (the royal entertainer) even though she is married to Manveer (the royal prince) in the task. Well, I am married and will never ever smile at Swami ji. I will only ever frown at him, and perhaps even punch him, because I am traditional like that.

We also see Gaurav telling the other celebs that he is geared up for the next physical task (no performance anxiety, please) because, he quips, “Bohot ho gayi politeness, decency aur fairness”, which sounds like a TVC commercial.

“Kya aap politeness ke shikaar hain?”
“Kya aap decency ki aad main chupe hue hain?”
“Kya aap fairness se tang aa chuke hain?”
“Haan, haan, haan”
“Toh aapko chahiye thodi si zindagi. humara naya tonic zindagi, jo zombies main bhi jaan laaye”

Phew. I enjoyed writing that more than I enjoyed the actual episode. Bhartiya paramparaa ki kasam.

As a part of the secret task, the celebs offer an oil massage to the commoners. Manveer, being the Asshole Girgit that he is, speaks rudely to Lopa and makes rude mocking gestures at her. When she says he should talk to his mom and sister like that, lo and behold, Dolly Bindra’s spirit enters Manveer (she looks great with a full beard) and he screams at her “Ma pe mat jaana”. Lopa stands her ground and gives it to him the way he deserves. But, Nitibha, the erstwhile ill treated daughter in law tells him that he did nothing wrong. Awww. Hello Kashmir.

The celebs succeed in another task of Karan giving an oil massage to Navin. I hope this oil has some nastiness soaking qualities, because, boy, Navin needs some of that . As night falls, celebs sleep on their beds (dreaming of the days of satta) and the commoners sleep on their thrones, given their dedication to the task.

Asli tatti, with a royal twist.

PS: How do daughter in laws get treated in Kashmir?
PPS: Fairly.

Yours bitchfully,

Bitch Boss

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