Bitch Boss: Priya Malik's Review Of The English Bigg Boss Episode

Priya Malik , 04 Nov 2016

Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

Swami ji wakes up with morning wood yet again and asks Mona for a dance. We cringe at seeing him shake his babaji ki booty and then he whips his hair, yes, back and forth, with yet another “beti” Lopa of his. We then witness Rohan ordering Swami ji to clean the jail as it is filthy, to which Swami ji responds to by saying that he is actually helping Rohan’s “oorja ka sanchaar”. He also refers to Rohan as “Prince”, please don’t do this Swami ji, I actually like Rohan. Don’t ruin it for me. Ahem.

He also argues with his ‘prince’ and even says “mujhe jail main daalne ki toh tumhaare baap main bhi taakat nahi hai” and Rohan (sadly) lets this comment go. When Monalisa tells Manveer that the bedroom is dirty and that Nitibha needs to clean it up, he remarks “Ek din mein kaise ganda ho gaya? Kisi ne tatti kar di kya?”, because I am sure Manveer only ever cleans his house when someone shits in it. Asli tatti.

Manveer’s penis shrinks as he sees Monalisa being assertive and Manu explains to him that she probably just needs a power trip. He also comments on how Lokesh apni “aukaat bhool gayi hai” because she was busy doing her makeup. Asshole Manveer and Nasty Navin agree with him as they sit around do nothing while Nitibha and Lokesh cook breakfast in the background. They’ll make for such perfect bhartiya paramparaa husbands, I am sure Swami ji will agree with me.

We see Lopa and Monalisa swimming in the pool (which is what the pool is for) and Manu silently letches at them. He goes and tells Nitibha that Lopa is swimming in a “two piece” and urges Nitibha to have a look at it. Nitibha, whose bikini pictures have surfaced the internet already (not that there is anything wrong in it), actually deems it necessary to go and see Lopa’s bikini. Must be a Kashmiri thing. Later, she also joins Manu, Manveer and Swami ji in the let’s-lech-at-women-in-bikinis session. Swami ji comments “bachpan mein bhi toh beti ko nehlaate hain”, and at this point, I am glad that he never procreated. Sorry Oorja.

The two teams are then asked to choose their weakest links to be sent to jail, *yawns* and the teams choose Karan and Nitibha. Nitibha later refuses to eat the pulao offered to her in jail (such a celebrity) because she can’t eat sookhe chaawal. We also see Bani and Gaurav discussing (in angrezi bhaasha ka prayog) how they should’ve sent Rahul to jail instead of Gaurav because I don’t know why. So much logic.

Nasty Navin has a very huge ego (amongst other tiny stuff) and he says that his biggest victory will be if a celebrity gets eliminated in a week where he gets saved by voting. Cute. Afterwards, Bigg Boss punishes Bani, Gaurav and Rahul for speaking English on a Hindi show. They are given a task of pedalling a sewing machine all day and night which, if interrupted, will result in all the lights (and an alarm) being switched on in the house (so as the other housemates will get disturbed). Swami ji rejoices at this punishment and his sadistic instincts are visible. It is interesting to note that Navin reads out this task letter like he is on Saavdhaan India.

Bani starts the task and wonders where the other two (Gaurav and Rahul) are. She calls them “paagal kahin ke” because paagal hain sab, saare ke saare, asli tatti. She also admonishes Swami ji for just standing nearby. She clearly hates being punished for her own crimes.

We cut to Manveer speaking to Mona how “goo ka keeda goo main hee khush rehta hai”. This is his second potty reference of the day. Maybe he is constipated. Mona tells Manveer that Bani has once reprimanded her for not knowing English too well. How shitty.

Coming back to shit, yay, toilet fight. I was waiting for one! Bani and Lopa get into a shitty fight about how Lopa used the toilet for too long when Bani, the queen of Chandigarh, wanted to use it. Chandigarh is slowly becoming famous for providing illogical people to Bigg Boss. Please note that I’m not taking any names. Nopes. No names. That will be a princely error.

When Gaurav tells Bani that everyone in the house has been saying that she has been snappy lately, she snaps at him. She also starts crying and squats in the “shitting on an Indian toilet pose” next to the pool and says “I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit”, and she speaks a lot of English as she does this. We see her feeling the shizz.

We also see Manoj and Swami ji philosophising how the Bigg Boss house works. Deep shit. At night, the alarm goes off and everyone has to wake up and instead of feeling guilty, we see Bani LOLing.

Main bhi Roadizz banna chahti hoon.

PS: How come there are no Roadies auditions in Kashmir?
PPS: That’ll be damn “cool”
Yours bitchfully,
Bitch Boss

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