Bitch Boss: Priya Malik's Bitchy Take On All The Wars Taking Place In The House

Priya Malik , 18 Nov 2016

Ex-Bigg Boss contestant Priya Malik is recapping Bigg Boss season 10 for us. You can read her recaps here. Follow her on Twitter: @PriyaSometimes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed here are solely those of the author.

Priya Malik
Priya Malik

The housemates get woken up to Aapka Kya Hoga Janabe Ali and for the first time, we see Rohan springing into a dance early morning. I am glad he forgot to take his sleeping pill the night before. Slowly but steadily, the housemates begin to realise that all their ration and personal belongings have been taken away as the next luxury task gets announced. The new task- Lockdown, has two teams (headed by Rohan and Monalisa) wherein they will be allocated a point when and if any of their team members take a personal belonging from Lockdown. The team with the highest points loses the task. During this announcement, Swami ji who is obviously unaware of the 96 cameras in the Bigg Boss house tries to “hide” some of his belongings in the smoking area. Great move, Sherlock!

The housemates are given sacks to wear for the task and are not allowed to wear any of their personal clothes but those rules are for mere mortals, not for Swami ji. Nopes. He is the divyashakti who even predicted demonetisation before it bloody happened. He is the custodian of all the new 2000 rupee notes. He, like Jesus, had a second coming. You can’t expect him to follow rules now, can you? CAN YOU?

Manveer still commits this sin and asks him to wear the sack too. He refuses to take off any of his garments or necklaces and hence the team goes down by 12 points (including one for his oorja). He also tells the opposing team (Rohan’s) that he is doing this just to make his team win. Manu gets aggressive and claims to want to break Swami ji’s necklaces. Rohan takes complete advantage of Swami ji’s stubborn streak and massages his oorja, I mean, his ego, a little.

Swami ji further proves his disloyalty by asking the opposing team to counts points for their cigarette packs. While this missile hits the bigg boss planet, Swami ji sits back and gazes at his supermoon. Manu gets aggresive at Swami ji’s comments and they get into a minor scuffle. His aggression doesn’t even surprise me anymore. It’s like his assholishness, we just know it is there. When he tells Swami ji that they won’t give him any food, Swami ji tells him that he has lived without food for 9 days and then 9 seconds later, he is seen trying to dig in the rice bowl. So dhongi. Much sadhu.

The other team also ends up giving him a meal and we hear Manveer lashing out at Swami ji while making some potty references with sound effects (bhidoom bhidoom, seriously). As this audio visual treat enfolds, we crank up the TV volume just a tad higher because where else can one hear such asli tatti? Manu and Manveer make some crude gestures towards him and the latter says, “Aaja hug tu aaj” i.e inviting Swami ji for potty time. Some more shitty conversations take place between them and our intestines churn as it happens.

In the meanwhile, Bigg Boss introduces a mini task which involves eating 25 rasgullas (I would’ve aced this one) to each of the teams to reduce their scoreboard by 12 points. Rahul and Manu represent their respective teams and Rahul finishes eating the rasgullas because clearly, we need him to be a lot sweeter than he is #Sarcasm. Nobody wins the task and the task gets cancelled as both team captains disagree with each other’s decisions.

We cut to Bani and Gaurav (opposing teams) indulging in a little chit chat of their own. During this intense conversation, Bani asks Gaurav an existential question “Mera joote ka hair band kaisa lag raha hai?” and all hell breaks loose. Gaurav is flabbergasted at Bani’s innovative hairband and they live happily ever after.

Monalisa, who has not just stepped out of the painting but has also discarded Da Vinci’s masterpiece, gets into an argument with Rohan over a pillow, claiming that they picked it up from the bathroom. Some more yelling ensues and others chime in. Manveer begins to question Rohan’s mardangi and calls him a “chammak challo”, at which Rohan questions Manveer’s allegiance to the Gujjar community because he shaved off his beard. During these communal exchanges (both on the LGBT communitya and the Gujjar community), we see them getting in a scuffle and Monalisa weeps in the background.

Upon seeing that the temperatures have risen, Bigg Boss calls both Rohan and Manveer into the confession room and tells them exactly what any sane individual would. Neither of them give a hoot, but while Rohan calms down, Manveer comes up (instigated by Manu) and takes off his mic as the episode comes to an end. I was waiting for that to happen this season. Throwing off the mic in Bigg Boss is a revolutionary measure and Manveer is a revolutionary in a sack.

Yours bitchfully,

Bitch Boss

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