Seth Meyers was the host of the 75th Golden Globes awards and my god, he was glorious! I’ll be honest here, I’ve had a crush on him since his Weekend Update days from Saturday Night Live, so my reaction to his opening monologue is obviously biased. With the Harvey Weinstein scandal, the #MeToo movement and the launch of Time’s Up, an initiative by powerful women in Hollywood to provide legal aid to sexual harassment victims, Seth’s job was not easy. Maintaining a balance between the fun and frivolous nature of the Golden Globes and the seriousness of the situation Hollywood finds itself in, Seth did a great a job. Here’s a list of his 12 best zingers!
1) Good evening ladies, and remaining gentlemen!
2) It’s 2018, marijuana is finally allowed and sexual harassment finally isn’t.
3) There’s a new era that’s underway and I can tell because it’s been years since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood.
4) For the male nominees in the room tonight this is the first time in three months it won’t be terrifying to hear your name read out loud –
“Did you hear about William DeFo?”
“Oh god no… ”
“He was nominated! Don’t do that!”
5) Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men and their terrible behavior in Hollywood, a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate for a woman to host these awards, and they may be right. But if it’s any consolation, I’m a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood. I’m not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight (points to Seth Rogen). Hey, remember when he was the guy making trouble with North Korea? Simpler times.
6) They tried to get a woman to host this show, they really did. They said, “Hey, how would you like to come and be judged by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?” And women were like, “Hmm, well, where is it?” And they said, “It’s at a hotel,” and long story short, I’m your host tonight.
7) And we’re all here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Yeah, give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president. ‘Hollywood foreign press.’ The only name that could make him angrier would be the ‘Hillary Mexico Salad Association’.
8) Well, I think it’s time to address the elephant not in the room. Harvey Weinstein isn’t here tonight. Because, well, I’ve heard rumors that he’s crazy and difficult to work with. But don’t worry, he’ll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed during the ‘In Memoriam.’ (The audience ooh-ed), it’ll sound like that.
9) Well, despite everything that happened this year, the show goes on. For example, I was happy to hear they’re going to do another season of “House of Cards.” Is Christopher Plummer available for that, too? I hope he can do a Southern accent, ’cause Kevin Spacey sure couldn’t. Oh, is that too mean? To Kevin Spacey?
10) “The Shape of Water” received the most nominations of any film this year. Just an incredibly beautiful film, but I have to admit, when I first heard about a film where a naïve young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I thought, “Oh man, not another Woody Allen movie.” Like “Manhattan” in water.
11) I live in New York, so one of my favorite shows of the year was “The Deuce.” If you haven’t seen it, “The Deuce” is a show about Times Square in the early ’70s, when New York was so seedy there were two James Francos.
12) Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award tonight. What a tremendous honor, for Cecil B. DeMille. And Oprah, while I have you, in 2011 I told some jokes about our current president at the White House Correspondents Dinner — jokes about how he was unqualified to be president — and some have said that night convinced him to run. So if that’s true, I just want to say: Oprah, you will never be president! You do not have what it takes! And Hanks! Where is Hanks? You will never be vice president! You are too mean and unrelatable. Now we just wait and see.