Twitter is like that one BFF you have who you can rant to about almost anything, cry like a little b*tch and share all your achievements and joys with too! But for this dad of four, the story is a little different and a lot funnier. A professional comedy writer, James Breakwell gives the Twitterati an insight into what every day for a father of four daughters looks like. Going by the handle @XplodingUnicorn on Twitter, James has a crazy bunch of followers, 1.1 million to be precise. 5 minutes into his profile and you cannot stop yourself from scrolling down for more. And so, here are some of his funniest tweets on parenting.
4-year-old: The TV is broken.
Me: It just wants to know if you’re still watching.
4: Tell it I’m always watching.
It better watch out.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 7, 2019
6-year-old: Can I have a cookie?
Me: No.
6: What if I do a trick?
Someone has been hanging out too much with the pigs.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2019
My 3-year-old is in the bathroom.
She just yelled, “It looks like a mountain!”
I am NOT going in there.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 2, 2019
4-year-old: *figures out how to take pictures with a tablet*
Me: Are you taking pretty pictures?
4: No. Just pictures of you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 31, 2018
My 3-year-old yelled, “BE QUIET. I’M BRUSHING MY TEETH.”
We need silence while the master is at work.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 28, 2018
I just heard my 8-year-old make the rule, “No kicking in the face with shoes on.”
Safety first in this house.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 26, 2018
Me: What do you want for lunch?
6-year-old: Something Mom cooks.
Me: Boys can cook, too.
6: I know. Just not you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 22, 2018
Me: Your parent-teacher conference is coming up.
6-year-old: Oh.
Me: Is the anything I should know about?
6: No. I do all my bad stuff at home.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 18, 2018
4-year-old: Dad, can you come in the bathroom?
Me: Do you need help?
4: Bring Mom, too.
Pray for us.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2018
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2018
We’re defo loving these savage dad tweets! How about you? Let us know in the comments below.Don’t forget to follow us at @missmalinilifestyle to never miss a beat!