In 2020, it’s strange that masturbation is still somewhat a taboo topic. Self-pleasure is a key aspect of our lives, and the benefits of female masturbation (outside of sexual health too) are uncontested.
So often we have conversations on Malini’s Girl Tribe on Facebook about sex, pleasure and sexuality. In order to facilitate a healthy and safe space to discuss sexual wellness, we invited Prachi S Vaish, Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist, to host an Ask Me Anything session for the Tribe.
Prachi addressed all questions related to sexuality, desire, pleasure, masturbation, fantasies and kinks and more. Scroll down to read the answers to some common questions women have about toys and self-pleasure!
Thank you for bringing up sex toys! And no, this is a myth—as true as saying too much masturbation makes one weak. However, like anything in this world, extreme usage of anything might lead to a certain kind of impact. For example, if a vibrator is used as the only source of pleasure, our sense of pleasure will get paired only with it and we might create a mental block that ‘I can only orgasm if my vibrator is around’. This might stop you from experiencing a full range of sexual sensation that can be experienced from other avenues including partner sex. The clitoris has numerous nerve endings and they deserve to experience different ways to be pleasured! So, even while using vibrators, you could experiment—a bullet, a wand or a rabbit. Sometimes you could play with your fingers as well!
A person can experiment with various types of toys based on the difference in their anatomy to find the best fit. However, the first and best exploration can be done with hands. Lie back, relax, close your eyes, and minimise distractions—put phone notifications on mute unless you’re using porn to substantiate your experience. Then allow your hands to wander over your body and explore. What feels good, what feels ‘meh’, what sensation do you want to repeat, which sensation might heighten and take you to the peak. Don’t rush. Don’t make orgasms the goal. Just let the pleasure guide you. Toys can also be used for exploration in the next stage in the same way!
Also, post-surgery a clitoris would have been created with the skin from the penis which will function just as one in a biological woman. You don’t need the G-spot to experience an orgasm. You should be able to experience a good clitoral orgasm.
I’m so sorry to hear that you are stuck in a sexless marriage. I wish I had more information on what are the factors that led to it, so I could guide you even better. However, let me try and address the concerns you have put forward.
The pain you feel during sex is probably due to not enough arousal and therefore not enough natural lubrication in your vagina. Have you experienced this pain even in the initial days when sex was good? If so, it could be the same reason or something known as vaginismus. Have you ever gotten yourself checked by a gynaecologist for this? Maybe you’ll get more insight into your condition.
In case there is no underlying condition, explore yourself while masturbating. The idea is not to make it just about the orgasm. Take your time with it. Allow your body to relax and love itself. Experiment with different textures and objects. Use it as ‘me time’ and don’t let any guilt or frustration creep in!
I can imagine your psychological state when you say that you don’t feel like masturbating or watching porn any more. We are after all humans and we need human connection to enjoy sexual pleasure, and sex is a basic need. Do you think there’s a possibility of having an open conversation with your husband about this? You could also explore couples therapy to open up channels of communication. More power to you!
I wish that you are able to find a partner who can awaken your desire, recognise it, respect it and make it blossom. All the best!
What would you like to know about sex toys and masturbation? Please share it with us in the comments below!
Join Malini’s Girl Tribe on Facebook to be a part of more such conversations!